I had a wise teacher in high school (who now insists I call her Barbara, but I can’t bring myself to call her anything but Mrs. Fields) who once talked to us about some of her theories on human nature. She presented an idea that has really stuck with me over the past ten years… she said that she thinks that every person on earth is compelled to do something, and is driven to have that activity as a focal point of their life. Even if you don’t do whatever your “thing” is for twenty years, you’ll be driving down the street and be thinking about how you miss it and how much you want to do it. You are compelled to do it. It is a part of you, and you can fight it, but it’ll never completely leave you, and you can’t feel completely fulfilled without it.
And I have tried unsuccessfully to fight it. My compulsion is theatre, there is no question about it. It was this compulsion that forced me to sing Broadway showtunes as I walked the streets of Kansas and Missouri. It was this compulsion that persuaded me to get a theatre education degree despite the fact that I never really had any intention of teaching professionally. It was just the only theatre degree offered at BYU-I, so it the one that I got. I didn’t really think about what I would do past school, I just knew it was the best way to continue performing.
When Christian, J.D., and I went to San Francisco to audition for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (Christian’s tour has started, by the way, and I bet he’s FANTASTIC!) I remember sitting in the waiting area before my audition, and having a very strong feeling that this was NOT the life for me. It was unmistakable and EXTREMELY frustrating. Because I don’t know what the life for me is… just what it isn’t. And what it isn’t is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted it to be.So what am I supposed to do? I’ve been trying to figure that out ever since that audition. My compulsion has not changed, but I did have an epiphany the other day. Just because it is what I am compelled to do doesn’t mean it has to be my profession. I felt fulfilled in high school and in college, and certainly wasn’t making a living at it (Playmill too… but nobody makes a living there either).
As it has now been a little over two years since my last appearance in a show (Playmill Class of ’06), I’m to a point where I don’t think I can take it any more. I desperately need to do a show. Because I no longer feel like me, just someone who is slightly familiar with me (does that make sense?). Thank goodness I’ve been able to do Comedy Sportz in Provo over the last ten months (come see me on Friday!); it has really helped.
But is still will be a while yet. Luana and I are moving at the end of the year, so anything auditioning now would go up after we move. So I’ll just have to sit tight for now.
But is still will be a while yet. Luana and I are moving at the end of the year, so anything auditioning now would go up after we move. So I’ll just have to sit tight for now.
Anyway, I’m curious…what is it that compels you?
9 comments:
Well, Ben, my friend. You know it's writing for me. I figured out long ago that I'm not an actor. I crave performance but just not acting. I just formed an improv team here in New York. We're an "indie team". Isn't that a weird term?
I hope you do find performance that suits you, Ben. I've always thought you were one of the most talented performers I knew. You have a quick accessible wit that doesn't dumb itself down for the audience. You bring your audience up to you and that's something rare.
I'm going to write us a show that we put all our friends in. Just you wait.
Ben -
I think you know my compulsion - writing. I have never stopped writing poetry or working on short stories and my novels. But, I haven't actually tried to publish anything. I think it is fear of failure. That, and I had a professor in college that seriously belittled my writing. I still wake up in the middle of the night and write little bits and pieces that I think of on a notepad I keep next to my bed.
Now, on to you! You were always amazing at your performances. I have sincerely enjoyed everything I have ever seen you in. And I have seen quite a few - all the way back to the 5th grade!
Ah, Ben. Perhaps you need to take a hint from your last acting gig and try to take over an Arabian island nation to find your true niche. As for me, I obsess over minutiae concerning subjects nobody else could possibly care about to keep busy. That's what keeps my blog a-goin'.
James - I still have dreams about the ol' Comic Frenzy troupe making it big all together... Kind of like the Muppets do in The Muppet Movie. Except Orson Wells is dead, so there will not be anyone to sign our standard "rich and famous" contract. Darn.
Ah, Ben. You read my annoying comment last night. The later it gets the more surly I sound. I hope you took it in good jest.
Well, buddy, anytime you want to move to New York, I have an improv team started now. If I can just get JD and Andy to stop being so busy but alas. Valerie's on the team and she's awesome.
We're an indie team because we're not connected to any Improv House. Come to New York. Come. Act.
Maybe my 30 Rock internship will open some doors for me and my friends. Fingers crossed!
JD should be focusing on improv, because heaven knows this "MFA" of his isn't going to pan out.
Ben I loved reading this post. You have got the talent and the passion to act forever! I understand completely what you were talking about. I think I may have a few things that compell me, but I feel about dance and musical theatre the way you do about acting. I miss rehearsals and costumes and stage make-up and fishnet tights! Actually I wear those sometimes for fun, but anyway... Thank you for your thoughts, and good luck keeping your stage life alive. I have no doubt you will:)
I'm not always sure what compels me, but I know that Josh Reese is compelled by Batman.
Hi Ben, I don't know if you remember me, but I have had fun reading these few entries and catching up on what's new with you! Congrats on the wedding! Adrienne (Rytting)
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